Disclaimer: This article includes a real personal story shared by an anonymous individual. It focuses on their journey of strength, faith, and self-respect, with the intention of inspiring others facing similar challenges.
1. Can you tell us about a specific adversity or challenge you have faced in your life?
My marriage of 29 years (30-year relationship) ended when my husband cheated and refused to face the troubles that had plagued our relationship and family for years. During this time, we experienced a house fire that left me out of my home for a year for an almost complete rebuild. Finally, I was able to move back into my home, and BOOM, two hurricanes hit us back to back. The first hurricane put a huge pine tree through the center of my home. I was back out of my home for another year while it was 80% rebuilt again. By the time the house repairs were done for the last time, I was done with the marriage and had finalized my divorce. It was time for me to put myself and my needs first. I continued therapy and put in the time and effort to get happy. I learned how to live as a single person. I gave myself permission to boldly stand and do whatever was best for me to be my best self.
2. How did you initially react to this challenge, and what steps did you take to address it?
God had shown me signs and clues that my husband was cheating. So when he was forced to tell me, it did not come as a complete surprise. The shock was who he was cheating with. She was a person who had been a high school friend of our daughter. Yes, she was the same age as our daughter. She had been in our home as a teenager. This man, husband, a detective with the local sheriff department, associate minister at our church, and self-righteous narcissist, was doing everything against everything he knew to be right. Throughout our marriage, I had spent a lot of time nurturing him and gently guiding him to be a better person, husband, and father. I constantly learned ways to improve myself. He kept me and our children at arm’s length emotionally. He often found fault in us and others but never himself. Even amid this, he could not admit his part in all that preceded and brought about the affair. An affair is very rarely just about sex. I spent months praying for guidance, talking to my then-husband, being patient, looking at my own weaknesses, insisting on couples therapy, and protecting myself from danger.
3. What resources or support systems did you find most helpful during this challenging time?
My faith in God was support number one. My relationship with God is always first. My family and close friends were second. They allowed me to make my own decisions about my marriage without forcing their ideas of what I should do. They vowed their support and gave me every opportunity to vent while helping me laugh and smile. A very important resource was a God-loving therapist. While we started out doing couples therapy, it was just me very quickly. Turns out my then-husband was also drinking very heavily. So, the therapist referred him to a therapist who specialized in substance abuse. Before he could work on anything, he needed to get control of his drinking. Unfortunately for him and our family, he refused the help because he didn’t want anyone to know. He put his pride before all else.
4. Were there any specific moments or experiences that made you realize you were capable of overcoming this adversity?
Knowing that my children, parents, siblings, extended family, and friends would do whatever they could to make sure I was okay made all the difference. Knowing I would never be alone in this world gave me a sense of safety. I did everything God told me to do. I did for him and put myself to the side. I saved his life, and the stress nearly killed me. A year later, I was hospitalized with heart failure brought on by the situation. There was a moment in the midst of all the drama; I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I was only one step from losing my self-respect. I was not willing to lose myself over his self-destruction.
5. How did this challenge personally impact you, and what lessons did you learn from it?
I found the value of my children’s respect for me. My relationships with the people in my life were strengthened and even redefined. I stood on my truths and let those who were wrong drown themselves. One day, as I was speaking to God, He told me to carry myself as His daughter. Meaning to hold my head up and not do or say anything to drag my then-husband’s name through the mud. I did not need to tell the whole world what he did, how he did it, or even who he did it with. I did not come out of character and lower who I am in order for him and her to suffer or make them pay. God said this battle is His, and he would protect me. One thing I have always believed is that the loudest screams are those that are silent. You should never let someone make you act like someone you are not.
6. Were there any gender-specific obstacles you encountered while navigating this adversity?
This situation did not have any gender-specific obstacles. The mistakes made in this situation can be made by all genders and races. Some people give more men than women forgiveness when it comes to cheating. The fact is both sexes do it. Actually, it takes both sexes to make it happen happen.
7. Did you face any societal or cultural biases while tackling this challenge, and how did you overcome them?
The most significant bias I faced was that some (very few) felt that a man should be allowed some understanding because he was a man, his job, his position, and his stresses. Someone actually said to me that she had a Jezebel spirit on her. They tried to give them both a way to blame anyone but themselves.
8. How has this particular adversity shaped your outlook on life or influenced your personal and professional growth?
Having gone through this challenging situation, I have come to respect myself more for my strengths and the power of love from my children. Because I had a health emergency, my job was negatively impacted. My performance and yearly evaluation took a negative hit. I had to put in great effort and get myself where I was before. I am who I have also been. I am truly enough. God blesses me every day in new ways. The devil may have meant and hoped this would tear me down, but I used it as a stepping stone to higher and greater ground.
9. Can you share any strategies or coping mechanisms you relied on during your journey of overcoming this challenge?
I journaled and reflected on what my life had been and what I wanted moving forward. I relied on the people who had always proven themselves as pillars in my life. I used therapy. Therapy is very important. An outsider who can give objective observations is key. You must be open to the hard truths. You must understand that we all have things we need to work on. It is those who think they can do no wrong that are the ones who cause the most damage to others. We must never forget that someone’s shortcoming is not a reflection of who we are, no matter how close the relationship is.
10. What advice do you have for other women facing similar adversities in their lives?
Stay true to you. Lean on your faith, whatever that is. Know you may lose family and friends. But, if they don’t support you, then they are not truly your family and friends. Don’t risk your self-respect or the respect of those close to you over something that was not your decision. Be open to falling in love again once you are healed. If something doesn’t feel right, step back and look at it fresh. Even if you think you can’t make it on your own, you are better alone than being used and abused in any way. Self-respect, your children’s respect, and respect for those who truly love you should be protected. God got you!!!!!
Update: The individual who wrote this is now in a blissful relationship, having found love, and is currently engaged to be married in the near future!
If you are currently facing a difficult situation or dealing with a personal challenge, remember that help is available and you are NOT alone. Feel free to visit my Resources page and select Emotional Support Services for free assistance.
